Finding My Voice: From Sexual Assault Victim to Pleasure Permissionary

A mere week after I moved to the magical island of Maui in 2018, I was sexually assaulted during what I thought was a therapeutic massage. It wasn't a malicious or violently terrifying act, but rather a disturbing mistake - one born from problematic assumptions and a lack of clear communication around boundaries and consent.

He wrongly "thought I wanted it." I said an immediate and resolute "NO", but it was too late; the harm was already done. In the paralyzing minutes after the assault, I could neither move nor speak as I grappled with being penetrated without my consent.

When I could, I sat up and looked him square in the eyes, "You just sexually assaulted me. What you did is unacceptable, and while I don't believe you meant to harm me, you absolutely did." The horror on his face revealed he had misread the situation until that moment.
We had to have a real, difficult conversation about how his entitled assumptions and lack of affirmative consent led to an assault. Despite the trauma, I felt empowered that I could use my voice to make him understand the impact, and felt so proud of myself for my willingness to speak up as soon as I could.

And understand he did - that life-altering moment set both of us on unexpected paths of growth, healing and taking responsibility. I felt called to become a professional cuddler and embodied intimacy sex coach, teaching men how to avoid repeating his mistakes to prevent further harm and teaching women how to set boundaries and proactively discuss consent. He committed himself to men's work and ensuring he would never violate someone's boundaries again.

In a letter, I detailed to him the assault's lasting impacts, including eight months unable to work as I battled debilitating headaches that failed to show up on medical scans yet left me bedridden for hours daily. Ultimately, I found healing through a shamanic session guiding me to energetically re-experience and reprocess the assault along with every past moment I had wanted to refuse but could not find my voice. By voicing or gesturing "NO" to each experience, I reclaimed my power. At the session's end, a simple neck adjustment released years of stored trauma - the pain instantly dissolved and has never come back.

That vital healing work was costly, so I requested he pay reparations to cover the medical expenses stemming from the assault. It took three years, but when he finally gathered the funds, the timing was cosmically perfect - I had just birthed "LOUD", a women’s empowerment anthem for sexual assault survivors.

This song came out as I was studying sexological bodywork and finding the power of my voice to speak up for my boundaries, my desires, and my pleasure. For the first time in my life, I felt confident and capable of fully expressing myself sexually! Through LOUD, I began finding the words to give voice to the harm that had happened to me, and creatively channel it into an empowering anthem for all victims of sexual assault.

I shared all of this with him and revealed to him that he was the impetus behind the song's powerful lyrics giving voice to my experience. As he watched the music video, tears streamed down his face:

You put your hands on me
In just one instant you changed my life
I didnt have time to say no
Into my dignity you plunged your knife

All the sorrow all the shame
I am not, I am not, I am not the one to blame

So I will be loud
For the ones who do not have a voice
Loud
I have made my choice
I am not a victim
I am strong
I’m empowered
I am healing
I am free

I will never win in a fair fight
You’ve got the power, you’ve got the might
I have nothing to gain, and everything to lose
But i cant sit back and continue to choose

To stay small, stay quiet, stay living in fear

Grounded in my truth in love i will stand right here
And I will be loud
For the ones who do not have a voice
Loud
I have made my choice
I am not a victim
I am strong
I’m empowered
I am healing

Even though you might think you’ve done nothing wrong
Toxic masculinity is that damn strong
And yet it’s a new paradigm
We lift our voices
It’s time

Calling all my sisters
Calling all my brothers
Calling all my siblings

We will be loud.

Afterwards, we held a sacred ho'oponopono healing ceremony, each sharing our impact, offering forgiveness and gratitude. We gazed into each other's eyes, said "I love you", and embraced - a cathartic act once unimaginable.

The next year on my birthday, he offered me a massage - a gesture symbolizing how far he had come. With my training in sexological bodywork and the Wheel of Consent, plus experience teaching boundaries and consent practices to men, I had thoroughly healed my bodily trauma. I felt completely safe with both him and myself as I allowed my body to fully relax into his touch. I knew I would speak up if needed, not only for what I didn’t want, but to actually ask for exactly what I desired to make it a pleasurable massage for me.

This is the transformative power of finding your voice and consciously choosing healing, even from life's darkest moments. I remain deeply grateful for this experience and the wisdom it has brought because otherwise I would have never discovered my calling - helping others reclaim their truth, boundaries and pleasure through the power of their voice. My greatest hope is that sharing this story provides a glimmer of inspiration and hope amidst the pain.

No matter what transgressions you have committed or traumas you have endured, healing is possible. You have an innate strength and resilience to reclaim your freedom. Had he not assaulted me, I would have never discovered my life's purpose - using my voice and personal journey to forge new paths as a "pleasure permissionary", empowering others to explore intimacy through authentic consent and communication. I hope my story provides a reassurance that you too can find your voice, your freedom and your magic. You are strong, you are empowered, you are healing, and you are free to be loud.